62 Famous Norm Macdonald Quotes To Make You Laugh

Need to have a laugh? Read these quotes by Norm Macdonald now.

He’s famous for leaving his audiences in stitches in his stand-up comedy and appearances on Saturday Night Live. With a career spanning more than 35 years, it’s clear that he’s got a genuine love to make others laugh hysterically! That’s true execution.

A man who’s not afraid to get up there and bring joy upon the world at the end of a hard work week. If you’re in love with his humour as much as we are, then you’ll love this list of quotes we spent the last 6 hours collecting.

Enjoy!

Update: 14th September 2021 – RIP Norm. Thank you for the good times. Your comedy really was a gift to us all.

1. I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

Norm Macdonald

2. I don’t know anything about politics. I wouldn’t put too much into my prediction on politics.

Norm Macdonald

3. You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.

Norm Macdonald

4. All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.

Norm Macdonald

5. Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog… The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, “Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.”

Norm Macdonald

6. If you’re watching a comedian on television and he’s making a political point, I would say he’s gotten too serious.

Norm Macdonald

7. I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.

Norm Macdonald

8. I just hate plugs. It just doesn’t seem entertaining to me. I’ve never plugged anything in my life on a talk show ever. I understand people use that vehicle. It’s just not very entertaining.

Norm Macdonald

9. I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It’s very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

Norm Macdonald

10. So much in L.A. is waiting. It’s so irritating. That’s what’s good about stand-up. You can go away, and you don’t have to sit and wait by your phone. But it is very frustrating.

Norm Macdonald

11. He has the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me… and he told me, and I’m the kind of guy that likes to look at the bright side of things. So I told him, I said, ‘Richie, it’s true that you have a disease and everything, but I think you got the best one.’

Norm Macdonald

12. When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

Norm Macdonald

13. You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can’t talk about it enough. They even got poems. They’ll say, ‘It’s not the motion of the ocean, it’s the boat of the lotion.’ I’ve even heard variants…, “it’s not the tree or the size, it’s the axe that you wax.’ It’s a whole sub-genre of poetry now that’s taught in many of our finer institutions.

Norm Macdonald

14. My dad had this thing – everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that’s all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!

Norm Macdonald

15. You ever lie for no reason at all? Just all of sudden, a big lie spills out of your evil head. Like a guy will come up to you, ‘Hey, did you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and a horse?’ And you go, ‘Yes.’ In the back of your head, you’re like, ‘What in the hell am I lying about over here? I stand to gain nothing by this lie.’

Norm Macdonald

16. A lot of people think I’m difficult to work with. It’s not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn’t really matter. I guess I’m somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy.

Norm Macdonald

17. I started on ‘Saturday Night Live’ the same time Conan started on Late Night. We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio and whenever he couldn’t get a guest – which was often back then since he was just starting out – he would just call me down to be a guest.

Norm Macdonald

18. I don’t know anything about politics. Like, zero. Nothing.

Norm Macdonald

19. I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end, you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

Norm Macdonald

20. I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Norm Macdonald

21. I sort of have open invitations from a lot of people to do TV. But it’s very hard for me to do roles in sitcoms and movies because I’m not a great actor, so if the material isn’t good, I’m in torment while I do it.

Norm Macdonald

22. It’s a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you’re good at it, then they go, ‘How would you like to be a horrible actor?’ Then you say, All right, that sounds good. I’ll do that.

Norm Macdonald

23. Letterman is very intimidating because he’s so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he’s a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him.

Norm Macdonald

24. After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she’s gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.

Norm Macdonald

25. I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can’t stay in the same place. People think you’re a loser.

Norm Macdonald

26. You’re trying your best to make people laugh; then if you fail, they hate you. But your intent’s the same. It’s not like you’re trying to do evil to them.

Norm Macdonald

27. It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

Norm Macdonald

28. Whenever I do theaters, I don’t like ’em. I don’t think they’re right for stand-up.

Norm Macdonald

29. I’ve just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn’t know them, I wouldn’t know they were funny from the television. I don’t know what it does, it just sucks it away.

Norm Macdonald

30. I like to do talk show appearances where I get to just be myself, and I do stand-up where I can completely be myself. That’s what I’ve always loved the most, of anything.

Norm Macdonald

31. I sort of try to write everything for me. I’m a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don’t remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I’m trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they’re accessible to everyone.

Norm Macdonald

32. In theatres, you’re kind of disconnected. Also, it’s way too big for the likes of me. Unless you’re Robin Williams or someone that can fill a stage with movement and energy, it just looks like a small man on a big stage.

Norm Macdonald

33. In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That’s how you know who the best player is.

Norm Macdonald

34. I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

Norm Macdonald

35. With the computer and stuff, the difference between a rich guy and a poor guy, to me, is nothing. Because I don’t like big houses, I don’t drive a car, so you know, I just live in a small apartment and I have my computer, which is really cool.

Norm Macdonald

36. Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.

Norm Macdonald

37. I’m a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don’t remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.

Norm Macdonald

38. I’m no good at anything but comedy, which I think I’m good at. I’m absolutely no good at networking; I’m terrible at acting; I’m terrible at dealing with executives; I’m terrible at collaborating. And I say whatever I want to say. But I think I’m good enough at comedy that I can survive. And I don’t really have an ambition for money.

Norm Macdonald

39. Stand-up has the best writers because it’s the hardest writing by a million miles.

Norm Macdonald

40. I don’t really like doing big stand-up. Whenever I do theaters, I don’t like ’em. I don’t think they’re right for stand-up. I’ve seen people in theaters, and it just doesn’t work, because you’re talking to the guy next to you the whole time.

Norm Macdonald

41. I don’t have any ego about it, but I find there’s not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are in it to make money, and coming from stand-up, you have to work so hard because almost nothing works, and if you lose the audience for three minutes, you’re dead.

Norm Macdonald

42. I like doing a funny show where I don’t have to act and fall in love with a girl.

Norm Macdonald

43. I miss seeing real comics, Shecky Greene and Buddy Hackett, those types. I like straight stand-up, talking about the Olympics, and why I feel obligated to watch them. Why am I watching archery at 4 in the afternoon?

Norm Macdonald

44. I love writing – it’s the best. But I really hate collaboration.

Norm Macdonald

45. I’ll tell you why nobody knows, ’cause, people forget a very important thing. The Chinese are a lot smarter than us… So, it’s hard to-to criticize. But some things, we excel at that they don’t, you know, it’s – I mean, I have never seen a Chinese guy in a porno.

Norm Macdonald

46. I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end, you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

Norm Macdonald

47. They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.

Norm Macdonald

48. In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.

Norm Macdonald

49. I’ve been offered political shows before, and I don’t know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions – there’s consequences to them. I often think I’m wrong, so I really don’t like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong.

Norm Macdonald

50. I didn’t really want to inject myself into anything political. A lot of people were asking me at the time about Jay and Conan, and I hate doing anything serious.

Norm Macdonald

51. Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier because it’s inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are… You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time.

Norm Macdonald

52. Note to self… Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

Norm Macdonald

53. I’d say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he’s just, he’s talking about serious things, but in a funny way. Other comedians will talk about serious things in a serious way, and then you don’t know what’s going on.

Norm Macdonald

54. I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.

Norm Macdonald

55. I watch political shows for a number of weeks in a row, and all I see are guys arguing with each other over issues I have no idea about. My brother, he loves war-torn places. My dad would always read the paper and tell me I should watch CNN, but I usually wind up watching Breaking Bad.

Norm Macdonald

56. I just like doing standup, that’s all I’m interested in or good at.

Norm Macdonald

57. When I was young, I’d watch guys on ‘The Tonight Show’, Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they’d be is funny. Later, I remember, on ‘Late Night with Letterman’, I remember he’d have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that.

Norm Macdonald

58. There are these showcase clubs where 14 guys will go on in a row and people are laughing at everything, and I’m like – ‘I can’t laugh that much. That’s so weird to me.

Norm Macdonald

59. I have always loved Las Vegas. It’s a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.

Norm Macdonald

60. I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure… if you die, the cancer also dies at exactly the same time. So that to me is not a loss; that’s a draw. It’s not like… the cancer’s going to jump up and go, “Arrrgh I fucked Uncle Bert’s wife, where is he? I won fair and square.”

Norm Macdonald

61. Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.

Norm Macdonald

62. I’m happy doing stand-up, but I’ll probably do a television show eventually. If not, I’ll delve into this Internet world and decide best how to harness it. What I like best about it is the independent movie style and the ability to just be completely reckless within that world. I like that a lot. I just have to acquaint myself with technology.

Norm Macdonald